I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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