fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
