I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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