and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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