I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
