I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
