I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
