oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
