just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
