I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
my liver is dry heaving
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
