There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
