chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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