Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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