Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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