Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
