Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
