who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize