shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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