I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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