shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
