oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
