Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
