After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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