I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
