This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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