Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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