her facebook's as public as her vagina
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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