i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize