someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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