So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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