there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
