I'm eating all of the evidence.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
this just has baby written all over it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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