# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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