tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
