i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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