Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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