I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
