I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
