Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
