I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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