I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
