Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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