I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
