ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
