im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
