Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Two words: nipple clamps
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