guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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