got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My ATM looks so different sober.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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