theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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