Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
