So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Congratulations! We have a period
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
