I wish my penis had an off switch
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
