Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
