I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
