I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize