I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize
