After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
