Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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