I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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