took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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